How does one put into words something that there could never be the right words to even begin describing the way she feels in her heart? I don't think there is a way, so whatever I end up saying, just times it by a bazillion & then maybe we can be just a little bit closer to the feelings I actually have in my heart.
For those of you that have followed me through this journey of trying to have a baby & for those of you that have actually gone through the same trials of trying to have a baby, you know what a difficult heartbreaking experience it has been for me. I have never had such low lows in my life, but I also have never felt so much love & support surrounding me from family & friends before either. Seriously, your kind words, prayers, and a shoulder to cry on has meant more to me than you'll ever know. You all are angel's to me & I know that prayers were answered for me through you. Thank you.
As you know, we had started to go the adoption route & had been held up, at a total stand still for some reason that I just couldn't put my finger on, until now. The baby that was meant to be ours wasn't quite ready yet, the way Heavenly Father orchestrates things is seamless & beautiful. Just a little bit before Halloween this last year I got a phone call (in the middle of teaching dance & I NEVER answer my phone during dance, but something inside of me told me to pick up this call), I don't know if she wants to be mentioned or not on this blog, so I will leave her identity secret until I hear differently from her, but on the other line is an answer to my up until that moment, unanswered prayer. She told me that she was pregnant & that she felt this baby needed a Mom & a Dad & said that she read my previous post (labeled "Untitled") & felt really good about us & would we consider adopting the baby? I felt such a warm good feeling, I wish that I could've just shouted "YES!" right over the phone, but I knew that Mike & I needed to really pray about it, so I set up a time for Mike & I to meet with her at her house, where we could discuss some more things with her. Those next few days were spent praying & pondering together as a couple. We both felt immediately like it was the right thing. It was really hard for me though, because how could my tremendous joy & answer to so many countless prayers & sleepless nights be at the price of someone elses heartache & on top of that someone I knew!?! We decided that we wouldn't know for sure for sure to move forward with it, until after we actually went & talked to her. I needed to know that she 100% wanted to move forward with this. My heart couldn't take it if she wasn't. I was soooo nervous going & talking to her that day, but by the end of talking to her, Mike & I didn't even need to have a private conversation elsewhere, we just looked at each other & KNEW. That was on a Saturday & that Monday she was having an Ultrasound to find out what she was having & I got to go with!!! What's crazy though, is every time Mike & I prayed & thought about this baby, we just knew without any doubts that it was a girl. So, I get the privilege of going to her appointment. They first find the heartbeat & of course tears just start streaming down my face, as they are right now as I write this. And then they pull the image up on the screen, it's a GIRL. I stare in awe, there she is... this is real & it's the most beautiful sight I have ever seen. When they printed off the images, they hand them to birth mother, & very respectfully she hands them right over to me. I don't know if she knows how much that meant to me. It meant the world. I drop her off at her house & go to pick up Cam from my Mom's (she was babysitting). I walk into the house & my mom runs to the top of the stairs & I say through tears of pure joy "It's a GIRL" & she comes flying down the staircase crying tears of joy as well & just gives me the biggest hug & we jump around, exactly the scene that I said that I had played out time & time again in my head in my "Untitled" post, but this time it was real.
I have grown very close to birth mom & have more gratitude & respect for her than words will allow. What she is doing is the most unselfish thing she could probably ever do. I hope she knows that this little girl will be showered with more love than she'll know what to do with & that this little girl will always know that the person that carried her in her belly & brought her into this world & placed her into loving arms that had ached for her, is so special & has such a beautiful heart.
This lil' angel is due within the next few weeks & I cannot wait to meet her & hold her & kiss & love on her. I never thought that I would be so excited for sleepless nights in my life. The boys can't wait to be BIG brothers to a little sister. & Mike, well I can honestly say that I believe he wanted this baby every bit as much as I do, I know that he is just going to absolutely melt when she gets placed in his arms & have daddy wrapped around her little finger from day one. I can't wait to see him with a little girl & he says the same about me.
And I never thought that I would ever say this, but you know all of those times I begged & pleaded with the Lord "Please, this month, let me be pregnant, it's a righteous desire, please..." & my answer was no month after month, year after year, well as cheesy as this is I am going to quote Garth Brooks on this one...
"Sometimes I thank God, for unanswered prayers,
remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs,
just because he doesn't answer, doesn't mean he don't care,
some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."
