Monday, October 4, 2010

Untitled...

This is going to be brutally honest, & maybe not in my best interest to even post this, but I kinda feel like putting it out there in the Universe somehow validates it, gets it off of my chest, gets people off of my back, however you want to put it, but here it is. Adoption. I am pro adoption. Mike & I started our papers back in January, our momentum & motivation was unstoppable, until it was, well... stopped. Everything felt like it was falling right into place, at the beginning. What happened? I don't know, it puzzles me. In some ways when I went in to have our first intake interview with the social worker (she's great, love her, NONE of this has anything to do with her), I felt judged, under a microscope & I wasn't good enough. Is that what has paused this process, my own insecurities? Or is it something more. The trusting, hopeful side of me says that it is just because whomever is supposed to come into our family still isn't ready yet, that everything has it's place & time. This is the side that I try to listen to & be in harmony with. The other part of me is still bitter that I couldn't get pregnant on my own again, I was able to get pregnant without even having to put any thought whatsoever into it with Jaden & Camren. Why has my body failed me this time? Why am I hung up on the fact that I am sooo sad that I don't get to proclaim to my family & friends that Surprise! I am preggers! Yay! Every one screams & starts crying out of pure happiness & everyone is hugging everyone. Why do I feel like I need to have this scene played out in real life like I have seen it played out in my head month after month for the past 5 years? I don't know, I wish I did.


I get nervous that my youngest is now SIX, what a large gap there is going to be now (and only getting bigger by the days) if we do have another child. So then I think, well we will just have to have two more close together now, but how will we have 2, when it seems impossible to even get one more into our family at this point. Hmmmm, I know it all boils down to faith. And I know mine is being tested. I DO have faith, I DO know that it eventually is all going to work out & fall into place exactly as it is supposed to. Sometimes it is just easier said than done. As are most things in life. There, I put it out there, don't judge me, please. This is just how I feel, for now.


Another way I feel when I put stuff like this on my blog, for all to read, Like I have said before, I feel like some songs can just put into words what I can't, so as cheeseballs as I realize this is, a song by 3 Doors Down fits perfectly...

"What happens to a man when
He spills his heart on a page and
He watches words flow away then
His feelings lie on the page alone
There waiting
For someone who cares to read them
To open their eyes to see them
To see if they can make his thoughts their own
To find out that maybe your life's not perfect
Maybe it's not worth what he gives away..."

"Pages" by 3 Doors Down

9 comments:

Sorensen's *5 said...

Laura you always say the best things and you do have so much faith. I see that every time I see you. If you ever need anything please let me know! I know everything works out the way it is suppose to even though it is hard to see that now. You have such a beautiful family and I admire you so much!!

Ku'uipo said...

Just keep the faith and stay strong. Things will fall into place when they're supposed to.
Love ya!

Becky said...

I totally get what you are saying and feeling. I lived this for 10 years. During those years, I did get those two special babies that I so desperately wanted- but it was definitely not on my timetable. Just trust those feelings you are having. They are given to you for a reason. In the end, it will all work out as it should, and some day, you will understand why. Hang in there my friend! You are amazing!

Dana said...

Hang in there lady! Just a thought, me and my sister are 8 years apart and have always been close! Being 8 when she was born I am lucky enough to remember her being so cute and little and now she's in college and we are besties! She's 5 years younger than my bro and we each played well with her when she was little. No matter what happens you'll have a happy close family!! You guys rule and we pray for you and hope the best!!!

R Clan said...

You are AMAZING! Thanks for putting it all out there. Keep the Faith. Conference had some amazing speakers and words that jumped out of the tv. Just know Heavenly Father and our Savior Jesus Christ loves you!

Jessica said...

Never be ashamed to express your opinions/feelings. They're yours- OWN THEM!!! (There's my inner psychologist shining through for ya!) It was a great post. Just know I love ya- and I know, just as you do, that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. Hang in there!!!

Staceroo said...

Laura, I'm so sorry that you've had this struggle for so long. Yet I've seen you grow so much through it. You remind me of when Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin said, "Come what may and love it." Despite your hardships, you continue to live life to the fullest. You're amazing.

Colin and Ranie said...

Laura, Laura, Laura! You are so validated in your feelings. So many times Colin and I were ready to adopt...for years. We wanted to be parents so badly and it never and still never has happened naturally for us and we still ache each day without that. Then we would go into the feeling that we never wanted to adopt and we would just travel the world and live that way. Then we would be upset with this trial we have been given and the cycle would start again. Its normal. Its validated. When we got our sweet McKay, we had never even turned in papers. When it is right, it will happen. God will let you know. He will. Unfortunately it has nothing to do with our own time tables so we just have to wait and trust and try to get through each day. I know what you are feeling. Trust me, and I never even got the blessing of surprising the family with a pregnancy news. I hate that. It still hurts and haunts. You're wonderful. Just remember that and it will eventually work out. Call me if you ever need to vent. (Did you ever read my "Confessions" post? ha ha) I have a world of experience to laugh at. Anyway, that is my two cents. I'm still there. Most likely always will be.

Colin and Ranie said...

That babble made no sense as I just re-read it. Just know it is normal to "know that we just need to trust and wait"...but dealing with the feelings is another thing. It's like death. We know we will see them again and that they are in a better place...but that doesn't make the pain go away. Its still sad. Maybe that didn't make sense either...its late. Hopefully you know what i mean. Good luck! You're in our prayers.