Just Kidding & Ramblings of Music

So, you know my last post, how I said I was coming back to the world of blogging & all of this amazeballs stuff was to come REALLY SOON? Well I gotcha, I was just kidding...I just didn't know it at the time. Ha Ha! I am so hilarious...hahaha...uncomfortable, pity laughter starts fading into background noise...hahaha... 

ANYCHOW, I am just going to ramble on for a bit, so here we go. I love music, like really love it. It's therapy for me. I find that sad songs seem to actually comfort me somehow when I'm sad, cause I feel that I am not alone in how I am feeling in that moment. When I am stressed, I know that I can count on my music to calm me down. When I can't sleep, music can help lull me back to sleep. When I am scared or lonely, music fills the silence. When I am happy, music makes me even that much happier. It makes cleaning my house, so much more bearable, driving long distances more of an adventure & dancing more personal. I am constantly on the hunt for new music & over the years have compiled quite the eclectic music library. I feel like different songs from different times in my life can bring back memories like nothing else. And they are like soundtracks to that time of my life. I hear "Love of a Lifetime" by Firehouse & I am suddenly in Mike's arms dancing our first dance as a married couple. I hear "Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)" by Dixie Chicks & I am back in our apartment holding Jaden in my arms & soothing him to sleep. I hear "In my Arms" by Plumb & I am in our first house swaddling Camren & watching Jaden drawing a work of art at the table. I hear "Just let me cry" by Hilary Weeks & I am reminded of the years & years of struggle with infertility. I hear "Sea of Love" by Cat Powers & I am in the back seat of the car just staring at little Makai's face as we drove her home from the hospital & realizing that many prayers had just been answered. I could go on & on. When I turn on my music, it somehow turns off the loud things of the world that I want to forget, even if just for the few minutes it's on. Music makes me laugh, cry, dance, pause, ponder & most importantly smile. 

Where in the world is Carmen San Diego?

My, my, my... how time flies.... I cannot believe how long it's been since I've blogged! I think about coming on here and updating & then I realize how much stuff I need to update about & it makes me run to my bed & hide under my covers. Blogging to me is a great way to journal & let's be honest, for me to come on here and just be a straight up don't tell me weirdo sometimes! I've missed this outlet & I am so glad to be back. There is probably not too many souls left on this planet that still even check my blog, but to those that are reading this I say 'Ello Mate! So, this isn't going to be a long post, but just me toe dipping my way back into the water. I always want to come on here & share just how magical Makai is. I wrote so much about getting her here to my family that I only think it's fair to share how it is with her here. But instead of doing that, I go snuggle with her some more, so if you wonder what I have been up to, wonder no more my loves. It's been so fun to see Mike with a baby girl, they have this bond that is undeniable & I just absolutely love watching him be wrapped around her little finger. And oh my heavens, you would just all melt into a puddle of goo if you could see how cute & protective Jaden & Camren are with her. All THREE of my kids are mine & Mike's world & we can't believe how lucky we are to have 3, count 'em 1,2..3! So let me make a list of what I need to come back on here & catch up on in upcoming (SOON!) posts:

*Makai being sealed to our Family*

*Birthday jiberish*

*Halloween, Thanksgiving & Christmas OH MY*

*A whole lotta other stuff that probably will never see the light of day on this blog, just cause I'm lazy like that sometimes*

Thanks! Tu da Loo!

Music I HEART

Music I definetly heart (also known as my most recent music obsessions, haven't done one of these in a while, figured it was time, figured most of you don't really care, figured I don't care that you don't care, it's my blog):

 "Good ol' Fashion Nightmare" by Matt & Kim

"Castles in the Snow" by Twin Shadow

"The Big Fight" by Stars

"Amarillo" by Gorillaz

"Everywhere I Go" by Lissie

"Charmed Life" by Joy Williams

"Pickup Truck" by Kings of Leon

"The Curse" by Josh Ritter

"Truth" by Alexander

"The Twist" by Metric

"Get Some" by JC Flow

"The Ghost Inside" by Broken Bells

"Big Jet Plane" by Agnus & Julia Stone

"Farewell" by Rosie Thomas

"Arms" by Christina Perri

"Pumped Up Kicks" by Foster the Kids

"Eyes" by Rogue Wave

Go ahead, look them up & try not to heart them as well, I triple dawg dare you....

Sweetie Pie....

Lets update with a few precious pix, shant we?

 This first one was taken when Makai was a few weeks old & Jaden was sketching her. Sooo cute, he has always loved to draw & does an amazing job & I think that he has finally found his perfect model. This picture makes my heart flutter.....



 Next up, we have Makai dressed up in her Sunday best. You can see her just a kickin' her little legs in excitement. She also has got the CUTEST dimples of all time. LOVE!!!

Lastly, in the picture department, this picture....

     This picture makes me wanna burst out in tears every time I see it. It captures every emotion I was feeling that day that Makai was born. It is literally my first time holding her in my arms. If you could ever capture the pure feeling of gratitude in a picture, I think this is the one. My empty arms were filled. Filled with a gift so precious & I will forever be indebted to all who made it possible (you all know who you are). Especially the Birth Mother, we love you.

3 am

It's funny the things your mind thinks about at 3am when you are up for a middle of the night for a feeding. The whole house is quiet & dark & it's just you & your beautiful little baby girl, in your arms enjoying every minute of her bottle & snuggle time from you. So precious. So, last night at 3am one of my main thoughts was this: I need to post MORE pictures on my blog of this sweet angel. For many reasons, but the one looming in my head last night was so that Grandma & Grandpa Johnston can enjoy her more in even some small way on their mission. So, I promise, I am going to be a LOT better at posting pics of the fam. So these next few ones are especially for you Grandma & Grandpa J!

The cutest lil' Tiny Dancer you'll ever lay eyes on:

       She smiles at you now & her smile lights up the WHOLE ROOM:

Sleeping like a, well, a baby:



     We are enjoying every single second of her, every single coo that comes out her mouth, of course all of the fun new smiles that makes our hearts want to basically explode out of our chest, the way she LOVES her bath time, her expressive eyebrows, the way she lets out the cutest little sighs while she's drifting off to sleep, I could go on & on..... And as much as the boys just adore her (they always say to me "Mom, guess what the cutest thing on the earth is?"..."Makai! Makai is the cutest thing ever Mom!"), & I know that she adores them right back. She just lights up when they talk to her & loves all of the attention she gets from her older brothers!

     I honestly can't believe that she is already 2 1/2 months old! At her 2 month appointment she weighed 10 lb 2 oz (when I saw that number I just started to laugh, cause that was the EXACT weight that Jaden was BORN at) and was 22.2" long. So she definitely is growing great! She has the yummiest chubby cheeks, they are just sooo kissable! We are so lucky & so blessed. Well I must wrap things up, the tiny dancer is in need of another bottle, no not a 3am feeding, but I am going to enjoy the snuggle time just the same! :)

The journey of many hearts now beats as ONE

She's here, she's actually here!!! 

Makai Kimber Johnston was born on March 1st at 11:48pm

She weighed 7 lbs 1 oz & was 17 1/2" long

She has tons of beautiful auburn hair & is quite possibly the most adorable lil' angel EVER!

When I hold her in my arms & she snuggles right up onto my shoulder,my heart melts & everything is just as it is meant to be. I honestly can't imagine our family without her in it now. I used to say when we were trying for another baby that I didn't understand how I could miss someone so much that I didn't even know. It was like I longed for & missed this little girl that I didn't know, didn't know how or when she would be brought into our family. And now here she is. And there have been so many different little tender mercies along the road to get her here that truly made me realize that Heavenly Father was watching over the situation the whole time, as he always does. It makes me feel more than so loved & blessed.


The first time that she got placed into my arms was just minutes after she was born & I cannot even describe the feelings & emotions that were going on inside of me. I got to feed her her first bottle & so I sat down in the rocker in the room & looked down at her in my arms & it was literally a dream being realized. I had seen that EXACT image in my dreams 7 1/2 years ago. For those of you that don't know I had had this dream of  myself holding a baby girl with lots of brown hair (I do realize that it is more auburn, but before she got all washed up it looked a little bit more brown, just like the dream) in a rocking chair in a hospital room & I had this dream for a week straight, until I finally told Mike that I thought we were supposed to have another baby. We got pregnant that next month, but imagine my surprise when a blonder than blond hair baby BOY was who was meant to come next. I thought, hmmm, where is this little girl I saw in my dream? But I will tell you what, that image of that dream is what got me through many a low points. Because even though it has been a lot longer of a road than I would've  thought to get her here, I knew she'd get her somehow, someway. So there she was, in my arms, in the rocking chair, in the hospital room & I just said the simplest of prayers in my head. And though it may have been simple, because it was just me saying "Thank you, Thank you", it felt like one of the most powerful prayers I've ever said. I felt that same gratitude towards the birth mom. The strength that she's shown throughout this whole thing is amazing. The love that I know that she has for Makai is beautiful, that she was able to do that for Makai & for our family is beyond words.


The day that we were able to go & pick Makai up from the hospital & bring her home was such an emotional day. My nerves were on level a billion as we were about to leave the house. And then another small miracle, as we are driving down the street, I looked out the car window & there it was, a full rainbow. I just burst into tears, that rainbow held so many meanings to me & I know it wasn't just a coincidence that it was there in that moment. I could go on & on about just how many meanings it had for me, but I will just say this, you really do need sun & rain to make something come about as beautiful as a rainbow. And there has definitely been sun & a lot of rain on this journey, but we got something so beautiful out of it that the beauty of a rainbow can't even compare with. And her name is Makai.

Unanswerd Prayers

   How does one put into words something that there could never be the right words to even begin describing the way she feels in her heart? I don't think there is a way, so whatever I end up saying, just times it by a bazillion & then maybe we can be just a little bit closer to the feelings I actually have in my heart.

   For those of you that have followed me through this journey of trying to have a baby & for those of you that have actually gone through the same trials of trying to have a baby, you know what a difficult heartbreaking experience it has been for me. I have never had such low lows in my life, but I also have never felt so much love & support surrounding me from family & friends before either. Seriously, your kind words, prayers, and a shoulder to cry on has meant more to me than you'll ever know. You all are angel's to me & I know that prayers were answered for me through you. Thank you.

   As you know, we had started to go the adoption route & had been held up, at a total stand still for some reason that I just couldn't put my finger on, until now. The baby that was meant to be ours wasn't quite ready yet, the way Heavenly Father orchestrates things is seamless & beautiful. Just a little bit before Halloween this last year I got a phone call (in the middle of teaching dance & I NEVER answer my phone during dance, but something inside of me told me to pick up this call), I don't know if she wants to be mentioned or not on this blog, so I will leave her identity secret until I hear differently from her, but on the other line is an answer to my up until that moment, unanswered prayer. She told me that she was pregnant & that she felt this baby needed a Mom & a Dad & said that she read my previous post (labeled "Untitled") & felt really good about us & would we consider adopting the baby? I felt such a warm good feeling, I wish that I could've just shouted "YES!" right over the phone, but I knew that Mike & I needed to really pray about it, so I set up a time for Mike & I to meet with her at her house, where we could discuss some more things with her. Those next few days were spent praying & pondering together as a couple. We both felt immediately like it was the right thing. It was really hard for me though, because how could my tremendous joy & answer to so many countless prayers & sleepless nights be at the price of someone elses heartache & on top of that someone I knew!?! We decided that we wouldn't know for sure for sure to move forward with it, until after we actually went & talked to her. I needed to know that she 100% wanted to move forward with this. My heart couldn't take it if she wasn't. I was soooo nervous going & talking to her that day, but by the end of talking to her, Mike & I didn't even need to have a private conversation elsewhere, we just looked at each other & KNEW. That was on a Saturday & that Monday she was having an Ultrasound to find out what she was having & I got to go with!!! What's crazy though, is every time Mike & I prayed & thought about this baby, we just knew without any doubts that it was a girl. So, I get the privilege of going to her appointment. They first find the heartbeat & of course tears just start streaming down my face, as they are right now as I write this. And then they pull the image up on the screen, it's a GIRL. I stare in awe, there she is... this is real & it's the most beautiful sight I have ever seen. When they printed off the images, they hand them to birth mother, & very respectfully she hands them right over to me. I don't know if she knows how much that meant to me. It meant the world. I drop her off at her house & go to pick up Cam from my Mom's (she was babysitting). I walk into the house & my mom runs to the top of the stairs & I say through tears of pure joy "It's a GIRL" & she comes flying down the staircase crying tears of joy as well & just gives me the biggest hug & we jump around, exactly the scene that I said that I had played out time & time again in my head in my "Untitled" post, but this time it was real.

   I have grown very close to birth mom & have more gratitude & respect for her than words will allow. What she is doing is the most unselfish thing she could probably ever do. I hope she knows that this little girl will be showered with more love than she'll know what to do with  & that this little girl will always know that the person that carried her in her belly & brought her into this world & placed her into loving arms that had ached for her, is so special & has such a beautiful heart.

   This lil' angel is due within the next few weeks & I cannot wait to meet her & hold her & kiss & love on her. I never thought that I would be so excited for sleepless nights in my life. The boys can't wait to be BIG brothers to a little sister. & Mike, well I can honestly say that I believe he wanted this baby every bit as much as I do, I know that he is just going to absolutely melt when she gets placed in his arms & have daddy wrapped around her little finger from day one.  I can't wait to see him with a little girl & he says the same about me.

   And I never thought that I would ever say this, but you know all of those times I begged & pleaded with the Lord "Please, this month, let me be pregnant, it's a righteous desire, please..." & my answer was no month after month, year after year, well as cheesy as this is I am going to quote Garth Brooks on this one...

     "Sometimes I thank God, for unanswered prayers,

remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs,

 just because he doesn't answer, doesn't mean he don't care,

 some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."

May I tease you with some pictures....

No time to update lately. Between MAC, Dance (our performance is coming up THIS Saturday), Holiday stuff-o-rama & oh yeah, something that is yet to be mentioned on this blog, & this 'something' deserves a post to top all posts, with words that I have yet to find. But soon, I will get on here & pour my heart out (again), but until then, here is some pure good old randomness, summed up best by pictures.

Mike won the coveted trophy at our annual Thanksgiving Bowling of Fun.

He got the high score of

the day, 151. My Madre deserves an honorable mention with a 147!



This Halloween at MAC, the 1st day was be whatev's, I am a "Dark Fairy", very creative, I know. The 2nd day we did masks & I have no photo proof, sorry ya'll. Here I am with some of my MAC fam.

Me & Lindsey



 BEST. COSTUME. EVER. Jess was Oprah this year & she came in to my work & we got her all Oprahphied, loved it! She won most creative costume at the annual Webb family Halloween Party.

 She IS the white OPRAH!

Camren wants to be outside ALL of the time, doesn't bother him if it is only 4 flippin

degrees out, not one bit!

Here is Mike & his bud for life doing a mini triathlon, yes this is the same one he did in the summer with some of his bro's as well. I warned you that there were some random pix coming up.

 Another pic from this past summer, but I felt it needed to be present on this blog. Isn't it gorgeous? Looking out my window right now staring at a blanket of snow, I am having

warm summer day with drawls.

 Z boys chillin eatin some fries before the grand feast at the bowling alley

 Jaden being Harry Potter (well a much cuter version if I do say so myself)



 O'Gwin cousins having a slumber party with my kiddos last time they were out here


Peace Out!

I mean...

You know how I said in my last post that we were going to the Greg Laswell concert on Friday night? Well we did. And it was more than TERRIFIC! Here is the play by play:

Arrive at the hole in the wall venue (which I adored, would love to see all of my favorite

artists play at The Avalon) just 10 minutes before they open the doors. Magically we are like 12th in line.

Run  in & nab 2nd row seats! My dream come true...literally.

About 20 minutes later the first act comes on, some random dude I've never heard of, but am amply impressed by his voice & lyrics, all accousticy & such.

Then, the 2nd act comes on, randomness to the 10th degree. A local Provo band. I could end my explanation of the band right there & you all would have a perfect image of who they were. Mike & I were giggling like 6th grade girls the whole time they were performing. It was awesome.

3rd band comes on, set's up some new, definitely improved equipment on stage & introduces themselves as "Haper Blynn", hate to say it but Mike & I were a bit skeptical of them to say the least. And then, they started to perform, won us over instantly! I was just a bobbin my head & a tappin my foot the whole time they were on stage. We LOVE them! Turns out they were going to be ol' Greggy Poo's band & back-up singers for the night as well. Mike bought their 2 CD's immediately after they had performed & before Greg came on stage. Later the whole band signed them for me. The lead singer simply wrote "Laura! Saw you boppin'! Jay" Melt...

Greg comes on stage & my heart grows 3 times it's normal size. He put on one of the best live shows I've ever seen. He was equally parts charming, funny & of course talented. I felt as if he was singing just to me for most of the show (oh the benefit's of sitting 2nd row)

After the show was over Harper Blynn & Mr Greg Laswell himself come out & take pictures with people & sign autographs...I truly did not want the night to end.

Hers is Greg, doing what he does best, serenading me, sigh...

I wanted to um, stand out, so I asked him to do a goofy picture with me instead of the 'smiley' pix I saw everyone else asking him to do. He humored me, & can I just say that mine was the only one he asked to see how the picture had turned out? Standing out mission accomplished!

And here I am with Harper Blynn, sorry the pix aren't the greatest, only had my phone on me to capture such sweet sweet moments...



If you haven't yet heard of Greg Laswell, check him out, he truly is a hidden gem. And for sure look up Haper Blynn while you are at it, it'll be worth your time, I promise.

Thirty to the Two & ya don't stop

 Happy Birthday Mike!!!

(Photo courtesy of Mike, being Mike, pretending to be me at Lake Powell this summer)

Mike turned the big 3-2 yesterday & we spent the day sleeping in, having doughnuts as our breakfast of champions, lunch at Kneaders & strolling around Barnes & Noble (one of our fave past times) & then getting Pizza for dinner while watching Jazz BEAT Orlando. Very laid back & relaxing, just the way Mikey Likey. The celebrating is being drawn out till tomorrow though, as we are going to the Greg Laswell concert tomorrow night. So excited for that, I adore Greg Laswell & his beautiful man voice.

32 things I ADORE about Mike

1. He is super goofy (refer to picture above if proof is needed)

2. He is so great with kids. One of the first things that made me fall in love with him, when we were first dating, was watching him play with his nieces & nephews, so cute!

3. He makes me & the boys pancakes every Sunday morning.

4. Whenever I am sitting on the couch, he'll come into the room, grab a cozy blanket & wrap it around me, just in case I am a little chilly.

5. He built my beautiful Dance Studio for me (now that's a dream maker right there)

6. He lets me cry whenever & for however long I need on his shoulder

7. Even when my hair looks like I just stuck my finger in a light socket, & I am in ratty old sweats without a stitch of make-up on, he looks at me & says "Man you're beautiful!" Makes my day, even if he is lying through his teeth.

8. He is obsessed with basketball & is an awesome player. He IS the white Michael Jordan.

9. He researches every purchase that he ever makes. And I mean RESEARCH.

10. He is the Best Dad to our two little boys. So hands on & loving. I am more & more impressed with him everyday I see him with them.

11. He changes the words to almost every song that I am ever singing.

12. He reads his scriptures every single night, no matter how tired he is.

13. He'll watch chick flicks with me.

14. He ALWAYS remembers the important dates (birthdays, anniversaries, valentines etc..)

15. He supports me in my dreams & ambitions

16. He helps clean the bathrooms

17. He gets just as excited for the holidays as I do

18. After making fun of the movie "Phantom of the Opera" the first 40 minutes of me MAKING him watch it with me, it has now become one of his favorite movies of all time.

19. He could sit & draw floor plans all day if time allowed

20. He works so darn hard for our family

21. He is more than respectful to his parents

22. He makes me laugh until I cry on a regular basis

23. He's the first one to volunteer when any one is in need of help

24. He gets along with my family so well that sometimes I wonder if they get more excited to see him than me, pretty sure the answer to that is yes, & I would agree with them. I would definetly get more excited to see him over me any day of the week.

25. He doesn't complain when our dinner for the night is cereal... again.

26. He was there for me month after excrushiating month that I didn't get pregnant. Just there to listen, cry with, take my mind off of it, get me flowers, the list goes on & on.

27. He knows just how important birthdays are to me

28. He loves taking on a challenging game of Soduku

29. He's worthy & willing to give me a Priesthood blessing whenever I am in need of one

30. He does the funniest dance moves for me whenever I am jamming to my music in my bathroom getting ready to go out.

31. He encourages me to go on 'Girls Nights' with my girls. Which means a lot, cause I've seen some girls have to practically beg their husbands for a night out.

32. Because he is just HIM, plain & simple (refer to picture above, if needed)

Be Weird

Be weird. It's funner to be weird anyways.


Make a funny sound for no good reason, other than to hear what comes out of your mouth.


Look in a mirror & try to make the craziest face known to man & see if you would still recognize yourself if you passed yourself by on the street. If you wouldn't, mission accomplished.


Take a piece of American cheese & throw it at the fridge & see how long it sticks. Crappy fake cheese.


Always have some random rap song playing in your head while walking up & down the aisle's of Wal-mart. You will feel like you are in a runway show rap video & it'll make going to that black hole; where I swear they need stop lights on every aisle just to accommodate all of us that get lured in by their low prices (curse them) a wee bit more of a sunny spot in your day.


Utter things like "G'day Mate", "That's old hat" & "Stupendous!" throughout the day.


Ask for an extra straw at a restaurant & put both of the straws in your mouth, in front of your top teeth, behind your lips & pretend you're a Walrus. Gets Mike every time...


Walk around your house spritzing cologne in the air, so it will smell like a Holister store instead of a house.


Call up a friend & instead of starting out with the old 'How are you doing?' question, genuinely ask them if there refrigerator is running, more than likely they will say yes & then even if they were having a bad day, well at least their fridge still works. (I know where you all thought that was going, but no crank call jokes, just weirdness today.)


Play the game "Sorry" & whenever you actually 'Sorry' someone back to their home base say "Did I DO THAT?" in your best Steave Urkle voice (Mike does this ALL of the time & not just in the game 'Sorry'. Come to think of it this is a very annoying thing to do, not weird, but annoying).


People watch whenever you can, I will take my breaks at work & while I am indulging in what can only be described as a small slice of heaven at the Nordstrom Cafe, I sit back & people watch. There is a lot of weird people out there & I like it. The more of us the better.

Anything But BASIC

This past week I was in Portland, "But why Laura?" One might ask, well patience my pretties & I will tell all. MAC, you know that sweet company that I work for? They sent me (along with 3 other girls from my counter) to what they call "Basic", my first official Bidnis trip of my life- it was sooooooo much fun!!! Flight paid for by MAC...check, Hotel paid for by MAC...check, Breakfast, Lunch & Dinner paid for by MAC...check, going to classes that I get to soak up an obscene amount of make-up knowledge & techniques & actually get paid to go to them (not the other way around, & trust me, I would have shelled out a pretty penny to attend said classes) by MAC....chigitty check! I met so many fun people who will forever be life long friends, got to go roam about the beautiful city of Portland at night & I feel like I learned so many new tips & tricks for doing make-up, what a fun week! I, of course missed my kiddo's & huzzy like crazy while I was away, it's nice to be back. But man, oh man, what an awesome experience! Now enjoy the picture overload from my trip...

      Here is some of us in MAC Heaven at the MAC store

Yours truly & my beautimus roomie, Stephanie

Here's the whole gang showing off our personalized MAC lipsticks that

 we got to make ourselves, too cool

Mua, Yolanda & Stephanie out & about our first night there



There was the cutest Yummiest frozen yogurt shop right

across the street from

 our hotel, here we are indulging...TASTY!

          First night out, just a strollin in the rain, needless to say we were singing "Umbrella" by  Rihanna all over the city that night.

Same yogurt shop, different night. Me & Vanessa fresh faced,

in jammies & lovin life!

Hate how whited out this pic is, but here we all are in front of the hotel. The cutie patuties in the middle (red hair, Shauna , to the right of her, Melissa, & to the left of me Bethany) are our trainers.



Happen to be HAPPY

pRESENTING: sTUFF tHAT mAKES mE hAPPY

* qUOTING "fRIENDS" oN mORE tHAN a rEGULAR bASIS *

* sNEAKING wALMART bOUGHT cANDY iN mY gINORMOUS hANDBAG iNTO tHE mOVIES & fEELING aS iF i'VE jUST sAVED lOADS oF mULA & pULLED a fAST oNE oN tHE mOVIE bUSINESS aT tHE sAME tIME  *

* dAYS tHAT i lITERALLY dON'T cHANGE oUT oF mY jAMMIES aLL dAY *

* pLAYING cHUTES & lADDERS wITH mY kIDS, tURNS oUT i lOVE tHIS gAME aT 29 aS mUCH, iF nOT mORE aS i dID wHEN i wAS a kID mYSELF *

* bURNING aUTUMN sCENTED oILS & cANDLES, cAN i eVEN bEGIN tO tELL yOU hOW fABULOUS tHE "cARMEL aPPLE" oIL fROM bATH & bODY wORKS sMELLS?,

 i tHINK nOT, iT'S rAD! wEIRD sIDE nOTE, iT sMELLS wAAAYY

bETTER iN tHE oIL tHAN iN tHE cANDLE. *

* sNEAKING kISSES fROM mIKE aT rANDOM tIMES tHROUGHOUT tHE dAY *

* wATCHING "gLEE" sEASON 1 (bORROWED fROM bREE, tHANX bREE!), wITH z hUZZY, wE aRE jUMPING oN tHE gLEE bANDWAGON a lITTLE fAR bEHIND eVERYONE eLSE,

bUT bETTER lATE tHAN nEVER, aM i rIGHT, oR aM i rIGHT? *

* dECIDING tHAT "jEGGINGS" aRE mY mOST pREFERED tYPE oF jEAN tO eVER wEAR dUE tO tHE cOMFORT fACTOR aLONE *

* lOOKING iN mY kIDS bACKPACK'S tO sEE wHAT hOMEWORK tHEY hAVE & fINDING a cUTER tHAN cUTE cRAFT tHAT tHEY mADE aT sCHOOL tHAT dAY *

* fINDING tHE pERFECT lEOPARD pRINT sCARF tHAT i wILL rOCK aLL oVER tOWN tHIS wHOLE fALL/wINTER sEASON *

* gIVING oR rECIEVING a gENUINE cOMPLIMENT oUT oF tHE bLUE *

* pRETZEL m&M'S *

* sEEING hOW eXCITED mY dANCERS gET aT gETTING sTICKERS
 aT tHE eND oF dANCE cLASS *

* fRESHLY dONE lAUNDRY, dOING tHE lAUNDRY hOWEVER,
 dOES nOT pUT mE iN mY hAPPY pLACE,

bUT bASICALLY tHE eXACT oPPOSITE oF mY hAPPY pLACE *

* hAVING aLL oF mY mAKE-UP oRGANIZED, tOOK mE lITTERALLY 5 hOURS tO gET dONE, bUT sOOOO wORTH iT, & bONUS, iT'S bEEN aBOUT a mONTH sINCE i dID iT & iT rEMAINS jUST aS oRGANIZED aS tHE fIRST dAY tHAT i dID iT, i tHINK i fINALLY hAVE a gOOD sYSTEM gOING hERE! *

* pURPOSFULLY tYPING sTRANGELY, hELLO lOWER cASE aT tHE fRONT oF eVERY wORD wRITTEN *

Untitled...

This is going to be brutally honest, & maybe not in my best interest to even post this, but I kinda feel like putting it out there in the Universe somehow validates it, gets it off of my chest, gets people off of my back, however you want to put it, but here it is. Adoption. I am pro adoption. Mike & I started our papers back in January, our momentum & motivation was unstoppable, until it was, well... stopped. Everything felt like it was falling right into place, at the beginning. What happened? I don't know, it puzzles me. In some ways when I went in to have our first intake interview with the social worker (she's great, love her, NONE of this has anything to do with her), I felt judged, under a microscope & I wasn't good enough. Is that what has paused this process, my own insecurities? Or is it something more. The trusting, hopeful side of me says that it is just because whomever is supposed to come into our family still isn't ready yet, that everything has it's place & time. This is the side that I try to listen to & be in harmony with. The other part of me is still bitter that I couldn't get pregnant on my own again, I was able to get pregnant without even having to put any thought whatsoever into it with Jaden & Camren. Why has my body failed me this time? Why am I hung up on the fact that I am sooo sad that I don't get to proclaim to my family & friends that Surprise! I am preggers! Yay! Every one screams & starts crying out of pure happiness & everyone is hugging everyone. Why do I feel like I need to have this scene played out in real life like I have seen it played out in my head month after month for the past 5 years? I don't know, I wish I did.


I get nervous that my youngest is now SIX, what a large gap there is going to be now (and only getting bigger by the days) if we do have another child. So then I think, well we will just have to have two more close together now, but how will we have 2, when it seems impossible to even get one more into our family at this point. Hmmmm, I know it all boils down to faith. And I know mine is being tested. I DO have faith, I DO know that it eventually is all going to work out & fall into place exactly as it is supposed to. Sometimes it is just easier said than done. As are most things in life. There, I put it out there, don't judge me, please. This is just how I feel, for now.


Another way I feel when I put stuff like this on my blog, for all to read, Like I have said before, I feel like some songs can just put into words what I can't, so as cheeseballs as I realize this is, a song by 3 Doors Down fits perfectly...

"What happens to a man when

He spills his heart on a page and

He watches words flow away then

His feelings lie on the page alone

There waiting

For someone who cares to read them

To open their eyes to see them

To see if they can make his thoughts their own

To find out that maybe your life's not perfect

Maybe it's not worth what he gives away..."

"Pages" by 3 Doors Down